Friday, July 6, 2012
Waiting to die
I have no idea what "normal" is in life. My life is not normal. Other people are able to drive places, work, shop, clean, read a book, listen to conversation, take showers, laugh, love, feel - I am unable to do those things. I want to do those things, and try very, very hard, but I just can't.
It is impossible to accurately describe the difficulties that I am experiencing, because I honestly have no idea what is possible or normal. My brain fails me. I used to do so many things. I was capable of great things. Now I avoid causing myself any pain by staying in my home. I rarely go out. If I do, there are issues, and those issues are getting harder and harder to overcome so I've stopped testing the waters. I very quickly move from one mood to the next and have lost the ability to "snap out of it" or respond to assistance from my husband to either calm down or climb out of a deep depression.
I want to be angry about this. I want to be sad. I have no feelings. I have no life. I serve no purpose. I am of no use to myself or anyone else like this.
Wake up. Breakfast. Prednisone (still dealing with the Lamictal Rash). Check email (if I can - fear of the unknown causes me great anxiety).
And then I sit. And sit. And sit. Sometimes I fall asleep, but mostly I just sit and think about how much I hate myself. I do not watch television because it moves too fast for me. Conversation makes me very angry. I do not clean the house or shower or brush my teeth. I have some facial wipes that I will use if I remember, perhaps once or twice a week before or after bed.
I'll have some lunch. If the dog has to go out I see if someone else in the house will put her out. I'll do it if I have to. I hate looking outside.
If the dog barks, I freak out. If a car drives by, my heart jumps. If I receive bad news I will cry and want to end my life. If something good happens, I feel nothing.
I only go to the restroom if it is an emergency. I spend my days frozen in place. It is mentally and physically painful to do more than that.
My therapist says that I am not lazy. I argued with her, but she's right - I'm not. There are so many things that I desperately want to do - take a walk, clean my closet, fold some towels, make a phone call - but those things cause me actual pain.
I have been like this for years. Back when I was working, I had to make a choice - do I shower? If I shower I will have a hard time driving to work. When I get to work I will have to find the ability to work. Most days I just sat there and quietly cut my skin. I would do a couple of things (type a letter, draft a document) but that was it. When I got home I would hit the chair and dig my skin until I fell asleep. I usually woke up the next morning in the same spot, wearing the same clothes. If I'd showered the day before I would just change my shirt and brush my hair before heading out the door for another day at the office. Near the end of my employment it was common for me to go for 4 days without showering.
Right now I only shower if I have an appointment with my therapist. I usually go at least 5 days in a row without a shower.
My therapy appointments are scheduled on dates and at times when my husband is off work so that I have a ride. I do drive on occasion (to buy a breakfast sandwich or go to the market), but I should not drive. I stay within a 4 mile radius of home so it feels relatively safe, but it is not safe. My brain has a very hard time keeping up with the speed of driving. I used to zoom my ass down the street like a maniac.
The zoom is long gone but the maniac remains.
I want to take care of myself. In my mind I do not deserve a walk or nutritious meals. Those are reserved for people who earn a living. I am not working and should not be spending work hours (8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.) doing anything but sitting and thinking about what I should and would be doing if I had a job.
This is not a life. I do not have the tools to figure out how to live my life. At this point, I have not found anyone else who knows how to help me. Several medications have failed. I suffered a horrible reaction to one of them, and the other two contributed to a 40+ pound weight gain in a few short weeks.
I've lost everything. I don't know how to make this right. I'm just waiting to die because this is no way to live.