Sunday, June 17, 2012

Goodbye for now

I don't know which end is up.  My daughter leaves for college today and I am, to say the very least, a bloody mess.  It has taken much in the way of sobbing, bawling, uncontrollable scratching, shaking, a couple shots of Valium, and little wounded noises bursting forth from my soul to come to a place where I can say that this is good.  I raised her to do this - to go forth and start her life.  To be independent.  To use her talents to help others.  She has accomplished so much and come so far in her life.  This is the ultimate goal of parenting.  Unfortunately, no one prepares you for the intense pain that comes along with saying goodbye.  If I had been well enough I would have done more with her.  We would have spent time together - doing things. 

Time is over.  There is no time.  Time will now be spent loading a vehicle for the trip to college and checking for last-minute things.  No doubt we will forget some things.  No doubt I will lose my fucking mind when I enter her bedroom to clean and stage it for selling our home. 

No doubt.  That is the day that I will remove all evidence that she existed in this house (potential buyers demand a near clear slate).  The hard days will continue.

I am frozen in place - unable to move.  If I move time will move, right?  If I move events will happen faster.  I do not want that.  Time, after the brain, is our most valuable asset.  I am out of both.
The fact that I suffer from mental and physical illnesses makes this harder.  I'll admit that.  I know some parents who are excited to let their children go.  I cannot imagine being like that.  That requires a selfish side that I do not possess.  I do not live through my children, but my life has been spent caring for my children - to the best of my ability.  I did a good job, and took that job seriously.  I hope I did a good job.  They are wonderful.  Now is the time that I have been dreading.  How did it get here so fast?


I have things to do and everything is so much harder for me these days.  The pressure from others who do not understand how difficult even the simple tasks can be is tough to manage, but we go on and do. 

I'm off to go on and do. 


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Regards, TMR