Sunday, June 24, 2012

Holding on for dear life

In terms of severity of symptoms, this was a good day.  My sleep has improved and I think that has allowed my brain some time to rewire a few of the broken bits. 

I had breakfast (really enjoying coffee again), took a walk around the river with my son, and fueled my body with healthy food.  I'm down 5 pounds as of this morning.  I have a tremendous amount of work to do to reverse the significant weight gain caused by Lithium and Risperidone, but progress has buoyed my commitment to carry on.

Several people have noticed "a difference" in my speech and moods.  The depression is just under the surface and I work very hard to keep it at bay.  I can actually feel it creeping in and hold on for dear life to fight against it.  At this point it helps to stop the fall if I engage in some sort of mental exercise, but it's a constant battle.  I do not want the fear of falling to get worse than the actual fall, and hope that the increasing dosages of Lamictal will be the answer.  We have a lot riding on this damn drug.

That said, in the last two days I have gone from suicidal to so manic that I had altercations with two separate strangers (men) in less than 24 hours.  It was very dangerous behavior and I was lucky.  We are not there yet.  It's frightening.  I stay home most days because I never know how I will act or react in any given situation.  It's best to reduce the chances of legal or physical harm, so I stay home unless someone is available (and willing) to accompany me and swiftly deal with any issues. 

I am a liability and as a result require near constant supervision, and that breaks my heart.

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Regards, TMR