Monday, June 4, 2012

Get on board or get the fuck off

I have no idea who I am anymore.  This person who gets painful rushes of adrenaline just getting up from a chair - has no strength to roll over in bed - hates strangers - frustrates and angers so easily ... this person who feels so fat, ugly, breathless and useless ... this person is foreign to me.

I want to be left alone while I deal with this.  Unfortunately, I have to perform each day.  A requirement of life is that you live it.  I have to find a job.  I have to deal with a psych nurse I hate and sit with a therapist I love, but who has reached the limit of what she can do for me.

With regard to my therapist:  she is wonderful, as I've said, but during our last meeting I asked her what came next ... where we went from here, and she did not have an answer.  I do not do well without a plan - that's just me - illness or no.  If you do not have a next step, you are not going to make it with me. 

The psych nurse is an asshole.  She is inappropriate and stupid.  She forces me to do things that I do not want to do, and threatens to do them without my consent if necessary.  I showed her self injury wounds that had healed and she grabbed my cell phone to call my husband to discuss blue papering me.  I explained that I had no desire to actually kill myself - self injury is rarely about that.  If I wanted to die I would not be at that appointment.  She asked me to share all and I did, only to have her grab MY phone?  Without asking?  I do not trust this person so she will never get the real me.  I plan on telling her just that tomorrow, along with my husband as he wants to be there as well to support me.  I also plan on telling her that I need someone else to manage my medication because she does not give two shits about my weight gain.  Thirty six pounds (it could very well be 40 today) IS NOT GOOD.  It must be dealt with.  Perhaps there is another health concern that has crept up.  Perhaps my thyroid is fucked up.  Dear nurse - do you not recall that thyroid issues were one of the things that we checked prior to Lithium therapy?  Don't you think we should check it again, given that it was borderline to begin with?!  WHY IN FUCK do I have to think about these things?  Isn't that why I am paying these professional people $500-$1,000 an hour?   

I need people to either get on board or get the fuck off.  I am paying the bills and make no apologies here.  I have silently lived with these torturous thoughts for most of my life, so don't expect me to sit back and take abuse after I've found the strength to ask for help...after I continue to display the bravery it takes to carry on down this road.  Either you're in or you're out.  I am not looking for someone to say what I want to hear or do what I want them to do, I am asking them to tell me the truth and do what is right for me.  If you are unable to do that - you're out.

UPDATE @ 11:30 a.m.:  I called my primary care physician to check the status of my thyroid and diabetes tests - both of which were normal.

NO idea what to do at this point.  I feel absolutely alone in my care.  This weight is not acceptable.  I will not go on living with this weight.         

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment.
Regards, TMR