Wednesday, June 13, 2012


I have never experienced an exhaustion so complete and all-consuming as the one I am in right now. I would describe it, but I am so, so, so tired.  I told my husband that I should be in a hospital.  Instead, I am resting, drinking plenty of water (if I can), and eating healthy. 

I spent the night hallucinating.  Every single second of the evening, overnight and early morning hours (awake or asleep), I saw odd things - things that definitely were not there.  I am reducing my meds to zero in preparation for changing them next week.  My choice because I know that they will be changed and know that I want this fucking poison out of my body.  Immediately.  I want the weight to start falling off.

I am angry.  Angry that someone would ignore my pleas regarding the ill effects of an ancient medication and continue to up the dosages.  I am angry that someone would send me to a place with criminals for intensive treatment.  I am angry that someone would care so little about solving the puzzle that is my health.  That is the job - solving the puzzle.  You don't have to like me, but you DO have to be invested in solving the problems -THAT is why I paid your fucking amateur ass $1,000 an hour.


It is time to rest my head.  Monday - and my appointment with an ACTUAL DOCTOR - can't get here soon enough.

UPDATE @ 4:35 p.m.:  My head has been POUNDING all day long and nothing touches it.  The only thing I want is fresh air and a place to rest my head.  Food?  Fuck no - I'll puke. 

I haven't had the energy or desire to shower since Friday.  I don't remember when I last brushed my teeth.  If I even attempt to do either one right now I will vomit.  If I had a shower chair - perhaps - but the act of standing under pelting water makes me ill.  Toothbrush and toothpaste in the mouth is an automatic boot. 

One thing is clear, the medication, while old and goddamn sucky, was doing something.  I have been VERY manic today, in spite of the headache.  Irritability is off the charts.  I am unable to do anything but be a bitch, hold my head, and allow my heart to beat. 

Off to bed.  Again.

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Regards, TMR