Fresh starts, sputters, and stops

My daughter left for college.  The time leading up to her departure (and for a good twelve hours following) were the hardest moments of my life.  I cried nonstop for 28 hours - gut wrenching, ugly-faced, full-body-involvement sobs, wails, screams - and some stifled moments when I was in her presence.  At one point my husband begged me to take valium to ease the pain, and I agreed.  It helped, but not enough to stop the grief of saying goodbye to my only daughter - my youngest child.

I probably needed a good cry.  I rarely cry.  It's not in my nature to let go like that.  Eventually I gave up - utterly exhausted - and drifted off to sleep with my husband holding me tight.

I woke the next morning (my daughter about 5 hours into her 16 hour drive) feeling spent and ready for the next step - finally meeting my new doctor for meds discussions.  No more Lithium and Risperidone.

Driving to the city is always very stressful for me, but I managed.  I arrived early, scoped out the place, decided on parking, went up to the office to double check the appointment time (a bit of OCD was showing under my hoop skirts there), and went for a quick lunch salad.  After lunch I arrived early (of course) for the scheduled appointment.

It's always hard to start fresh with someone new.  Its hard to tell your story AGAIN.  I tell it so often that I wonder if I should just write it down and provide a written copy ahead of time for new people - just to save a half hour and most of my sanity.  It's hard to tell The Story; it drains what little reserve you have in the tank. 

The doctor is only there for med management and accepted the prior diagnoses without question.  He prescribed Lamictal (what my therapist wanted me on from the start) and I took my first dose that evening.  I have several issues that require medication (he said I will likely be on 4 total), but suggested that we start with one med at a time and add others on as we go - just to be sure that we know what to blame in the event of any sort of allergic reaction.

 Fresh start.

I woke this morning feeling relaxed and loose - not much in the way of pain or worry.  I spent most of the day like that and then at around 5:30 this evening, the shadows crept in; slowly at first and then all at once.  They (the feelings of doom) are very much like shadows in the corners of my vision, taking over my body...surrounding me...suffocating me...and eventually taking over completely.  They fill the room. 



The depressive side of bipolar disorder is a very dark place, and I hate being there.

  
I am very impatient and waiting for this fresh start to make a difference - over the course of many, many weeks AGAIN - will be difficult for me.  I just want to be better now.

Then again, what is better?  I don't have a clue.  We have to find out what normal is for me, because I honestly have no idea what normal is; I have nothing to draw from for normal.

Now we wait.  We have to titrate up slowly with the Lamictal to therapeutic levels to avoid any potential adverse reactions, the most serious of which is a skin rash which, in some cases, is fatal.  http://www.lamictal.com/    

Meanwhile, I have to stay out of my daughter's room for a bit, and have plans to keep busy with other things until I am ready to clean that out.  It is hard to say goodbye.  It's hard to give her up to her own life, especially now.