“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” - Alexander Graham Bell
After the horrific experience at work earlier this week, I was completely drained - had nothing left to give.
It was as though someone pulled the pin on a grenade and threw it into the middle of my nightmare. I did end up going to my appointments the next morning and learned that my illness had progressed to such a serious level - extreme was the word written on my chart - that my doctor told me that she was immediately admitting me to the hospital. I refused. She asked to speak to my husband and actually took my cell phone. In the end, I assured my doctor that if I wanted to kill myself, I would not be in her office - - I would be dead. She agreed, but insisted on daily telephone check-ins until Friday, when she fully expects me to enter the hospital for extended inpatient treatment.
I left the office with sincere promises that I would not crash my car or swallow pills and went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for Lithium. After that, I arrived at work to an angry boss and a tossed desk. Typical.
I confided in a coworker and eventually made the decision to leave the firm. Unfortunately, leaving the firm - quitting (such a harsh word for a perfectionist) - means that I would have no income. I decided to meet with the personnel director to ask them to "let me go" so that I could collect unemployment. After two meetings totalling 4 hours and many, many tears, they granted my request. My last day at the office is Friday 5/18. I have some training/transition work to do, but my days as a slave driver for satan are over. That door will close.
Today was an interesting day. The word was out and people were crying and in shock about my resignation. While it feels nice to be wanted, the finish line is in sight and I am hyper-focused on crossing that line.
I have moments of panic, extreme happiness, and great emotion; all of those a result of my illness, not necessarily due to the fact that I am leaving a place where I spent 11 years of my life...
Yeah - I don't believe it either.
I increased my risperidone dosage along with adding the Lithium to my meds. I am also slowly decreasing, and eventually stopping, my sertraline, which was actually making me psychotic. I am much more relaxed and the mania has decreased. However, I am suffering from fairly severe migraine headaches and will discuss this with my doctor next week.
We have new doors opening every day, to include relocation and a potential business purchase. Most people would let fear keep them from these new opportunities, especially during times of great stress, but I will walk through these other doors with my feet on the ground, my brain engaged, and my expectations flying high.