Wednesday, May 2, 2012

You have to be >THIS< tall to ride this ride

Another roller coaster of a day, as per usual.  Of course in my world, roller coasters are not the least bit amusing - they suck some major ass.  I'm talking draw shit/mud through a straw kind of ass suckage.  "Not pleasant" is my point. 

The day began with the typical work stress.  My asshole boss screamed at me for things that were beyond my control (printers were down and the IT people were busy fixing them from a remote location).  My asshole boss screamed at me for other shit, to include scheduling issues, again, beyond my control.  All of this left me shaking and in shock.  I had to take 10 minutes of my lunch hour at 9:30 in the morning just to breathe in my car.  I called my husband and asked him to tell me a slow and soft story and just drone on until my brain and breathing calmed to a normal level. 

The day was also wonderful.  Many clients stopped by to thank me for assisting them with their matters, and others simply took time out of their days to thank me for my friendship.  It was an odd day in that so many people did this at once, and it balanced the assholio boss quite nicely. 

I still had to take a Valium with my lunch because I could feel an anxiety attack coming on.  That, and the morning time out in my car, seemed to get me through the day.

This evening some of the gals at work gathered at a local sports bar.  We no longer get breaks at work, so we never see each other and this was a good way to catch up and remember that we do, in fact, like each other.  We had a great time - lots of laughter - and I am so glad that I decided to go.  I would normally avoid crowds because they trigger major agitation, but the focused conversation helped quite a bit. 

I did say some unkind things to my boss as I was leaving work today.  He said some unkind things to me in return.  He can get fucked, and he will, when this house sells and we finally move out of this depressed State. 

I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and plan on discussing my psych doc - I do not care for her methods and she just isn't a good fit.  I also plan on discussing the current drug therapy because I am concerned about starting Lithium.

I am proud of how I managed this day.  I am not worthless.  I am a kind person.  Mental illness does not mean that I am stupid.  I function at a very high level in spite of my issues, and would like to think that this makes me better than good.  This makes me brave and strong and resilient.  I have things to offer this world and this world will benefit from my talents. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you decided to go out, too, and I'm thankful that you had a great visit and evening because of that.

    You are amazing, you are a dear friend, you are a wonderful mom. Mental illness doesn't change that, it just makes it harder for you to remember.

    I love you.


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Regards, TMR