Sunday, May 6, 2012

I've been waiting

What an uneventful, quiet, relaxing day.  No major issues of any kind.  Of course the day is not over, but I am confident that the trend will continue until I retire for the evening.

With regard to anxiety and panic attacks, it is important to note that not only do these issues come about in certain situations, but certain people can trigger these events as well.  I did have to take a small bit of Valium today - just to head off some anxiety while a loud and boisterous person joined me this afternoon.  I have found that heading off a big issue by hitting it while it's still manageable is a wonderful strategy to keep things on an even keel.

Going back to this morning; I woke up groggy, which is normal.  When I opened my eyes, my dog (she is such a sweetheart) was sitting next to my bed with my slippers.  I am fairly certain that she put the slippers there while I was sleeping.  I am almost positive that I left them in the bathroom.  I patted her head, sat up, and put on my slippers while she waited.  Then she gave me her paw and smiled.  There are no words to describe how much I love my dog.  She brings pure joy to my life.  I am not always able to accept her gifts, but she is always there to give them. 

This was an "at home" day.  The dog napped out in the bright sunshine.  I spent time with my son, talked to my parents on the telephone, and surfed the internet.  I've been waiting for a day like this.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  Right now I'll just enjoy the fact that everything is fine.

Update at 8:25 p.m.  I feel my mood slipping.  Nagging/negative thoughts are creeping in.  Work tomorrow - that place is not good for me.  I should leave.  Is any place good for me?  If I leave I will be a failure.  When we move we will lose our health insurance and we NEED our health insurance.  What if we do not find jobs?  What if I am unable to work?  What if we do not purchase a business?  Will we be able to afford private health insurance?  If I do not have my medications I WILL die.  There is no doubt about that.  I will die by my own hand. 

Fear and its buddies anxiety, panic, and depression are standing by.  I will probably hurt myself this evening in an effort to feel better ... to feel something ... and I do not want to.  I do not.  Causing new pain makes the old pain disappear, but pain is pain.  When will the pain go away?

Update at 9:51 p.m.  I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY.  ANGRY!!!!  I WANT TO SCREAM AND KICK AND THROW MY COMPUTER ACROSS THE ROOM AND BREAK EVERYTHING OF VALUE IN THIS HOUSE.  I WANT TO CRASH MY CAR AND TIP THINGS OVER AND KICK EVERY DOOR IN.  I do not have an outlet for this right now.  I am alone.  I am alone a lot.  I am fucking pissed off.  Outwardly I am just tapping and shaking.  Why are people leaving me alone?!?   EVERYTHING IS MESSED UP.  NOTHING IS RIGHT.  I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.  SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.  My chest hurts.  I just smashed my hands down on my legs and that did nothing to stop the anger.  This stupid fucking brain in my head is a piece of shit.  It is not mine.  I do not want it.

Update at 12:28 a.m.  Calming down now - feeling tired.  I have to work in a few hours and pray that sleep comes quickly.  Ha - I said "pray" - how odd.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to believe in a God?  Some sort of preternatural being?  I envy those who "give their woes" up to "God".  Damned sheeple.  My fucked up brain simply does not subscribe to such foolish notions, but I envy your simple existences.    

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Regards, TMR