Exhaustion

Last night was bad - very bad.  I had all of my pills in my hand and was ready to swallow them and die.  Of course I googled to make sure that what I had would actually kill me, and there just wasn't enough.  The realization that I would continue to feel pain sent my brain screaming inside of my head and everything peaked at a very loud and singular shrill yell, and then all was quiet.

I suffered through several hours of pure, white-hot pain.  The only thing that got me through was rolling Dante's circles of hell around in my mind - trying to decide where I would fit in if I joined the party.  Always joking, even when I am about to end trans.

I went to bed, thoroughly exhausted, at 1:00 this morning.

I have to get out of this chair, shower, make myself presentable, and go to work.  Now.  If I wait another 5 minutes I will be late.

I am choking the shit out of my life in an effort to keep my job.  This does not help me move forward in my care.  In fact, it makes things much worse.

There are no answers right now.  I am too ill to plan the moves required to protect myself if I lose my job or have to quit.  If I had a clear mind, I would formulate the best course of action.  I am unable to do that at this time.

I need rest.