Monday, May 7, 2012


Last night was bad - very bad.  I had all of my pills in my hand and was ready to swallow them and die.  Of course I googled to make sure that what I had would actually kill me, and there just wasn't enough.  The realization that I would continue to feel pain sent my brain screaming inside of my head and everything peaked at a very loud and singular shrill yell, and then all was quiet.

I suffered through several hours of pure, white-hot pain.  The only thing that got me through was rolling Dante's circles of hell around in my mind - trying to decide where I would fit in if I joined the party.  Always joking, even when I am about to end trans.

I went to bed, thoroughly exhausted, at 1:00 this morning.

I have to get out of this chair, shower, make myself presentable, and go to work.  Now.  If I wait another 5 minutes I will be late.

I am choking the shit out of my life in an effort to keep my job.  This does not help me move forward in my care.  In fact, it makes things much worse.

There are no answers right now.  I am too ill to plan the moves required to protect myself if I lose my job or have to quit.  If I had a clear mind, I would formulate the best course of action.  I am unable to do that at this time.

I need rest.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you, my friend, for allowing me to read these posts. For allowing me to take this very diffacult journey with you. Were they hard to read, yes but yet they help me understand in so many ways. I have a niece with bipolar and she has never been able to communicate with us on what goes on in her life.

    I am crying with you as I read these. I am walking with you as I read these.

    When you feel for a moment that warmth come over you, that is me being there in spirit giving you the warmest; gentelest hugs for love and support and strength.

    I could say all the "generic" things that one is suppose to say..."you are not ugly" "you are kind" "you are beautiful" "you are going to be just fine".....but only you and can tell yourself these things and believe it.

    I know what I believe.


Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment.
Regards, TMR