-EXTREME-

This is written at the top of every page from my psych nurse:  Bipolar I Extreme w/o Psychosis, though a few times there was psychosis and those were dark times indeed. 

I look at that and wonder what the fuck happened.  How did I get here?  How did this happen?  What fucking worm worked its way into my head and jumbled things about in such an EXTREME way that I can hardly manage the basics for daily living -- like self care? 

I have learned one thing - how to manipulate things (probaby not, but allow me this one indulgence).  If I say that I want to die - that sounds the alarms.  If I say that I want to hurt people, that sounds the alarms.  If I THINK those things but stop short of SHARING those things, all is well with the psych people.

Maybe.  Is it?  I don't know.  Perhaps they are smarter than I give them credit for, the fuckers.

Quite simply, I want my brain back in one piece, and I don't want to get lost on a ward forever.  I want things to work.  I want to be brilliant.  I realize now that much of my brilliance was probably a result of mania....and we are planning on losing that.  It's a shame because mania - controlled - is responsible for some of the most amazing things that humans have thought, written, acted, created...

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.