Friday, June 8, 2012
I look at that and wonder what the fuck happened. How did I get here? How did this happen? What fucking worm worked its way into my head and jumbled things about in such an EXTREME way that I can hardly manage the basics for daily living -- like self care?
I have learned one thing - how to manipulate things (probaby not, but allow me this one indulgence). If I say that I want to die - that sounds the alarms. If I say that I want to hurt people, that sounds the alarms. If I THINK those things but stop short of SHARING those things, all is well with the psych people.
Maybe. Is it? I don't know. Perhaps they are smarter than I give them credit for, the fuckers.
Quite simply, I want my brain back in one piece, and I don't want to get lost on a ward forever. I want things to work. I want to be brilliant. I realize now that much of my brilliance was probably a result of mania....and we are planning on losing that. It's a shame because mania - controlled - is responsible for some of the most amazing things that humans have thought, written, acted, created...
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.