Wednesday, April 25, 2012

It has a name.

[Yesterday was a] veryveryveryvery tough day. Very. I told a complete stranger (psychiatrist) my entire life story in less than 45 minutes, to include displaying areas of self-injury.

Now I am at work ... trying.

I am ashamed, embarrassed, raw. To highlight how fucked up I am, I was 45 minutes early for my appointment - just because that is what I do. I checked in, was told that the doc had no appointments ahead of me, sat, and waited. Time marched on.

Jasmine was screaming. Jasmine's father was screaming out Jasmine's name. Constantly. I will never forget Jasmine because I heard her name five fucking thousand times over those 45 minutes.

But wait - there's more!

10:30 came and went - my doc is now late. 10:45 came and went ... Jasmine and her father are still fucking screaming at each other and I am now tapping myself in the head. The woman next to me asks me a question - I can't hear her because my head is buzzing - I just nod and keep tapping my forehead.

I found the ability to stand and walked to the window. Was told "I will be right with you."


I went and sat on the floor in the hall - tapping my face the entire time. That is where the doctor found me. She apologized. Apparently the staff put down that I had canceled my appointment. *I* did not cancel, *I* was the person called to come in because someone *else* canceled.

We went into her office. Did the thing. She asked what date it was - I could not answer - did not know. She came back to it ... I tried counting back to the last date that I remembered for certain...could not do it.

I rarely cry, but I cried. I am bipolar - rapid cycling. I have OCD, anxiety/panic disorder, and some other shit. I had to stop at that point and just have her write it because I could not listen. I'll read it later.

Meds. The meds scare me. I went immediately to the lab for baseline tests. Renal function, EKG, Thyroid test, and blood work for some other shit. Why? Because I will be taking Lithium (See Metabolic adverse effects of Lithium).  I am also taking something called Risperidone to help me sleep (See Risperidone information).

I feel like a disgusting piece of worthless shit. I am not that - I know - but that is how I feel. She asked me, "What do you do for work?"

"I am a corporate paralegal."

"Where did you go to school?"

"Are you talking college? I didn't. I bought a million-dollar restaurant at 20 years of age, ran that for ten years. Built a few houses. Started a successful catering business. Had three children. Did the books for a luxury yacht builder for a few years. Ran a deli in town. Then I was hired at the law firm following my time at the police department where I was the senior data clerk."

"I thought you needed college to be a paralegal."

"The American Bar Association's definition of a paralegal is a person, qualified by education, training or work EXPERIENCE who is employed or retained by a lawyer, law office, corporation, governmental agency or other entity and who performs specifically delegated substantive legal work for which a lawyer is responsible. I have 13 years of high pressure experience and continuing legal education. I'm fine. Would I like to go to college? Yes, but that boat sailed almost 25 years ago when I started kicking ass in life without having my ticket punched."


I think I want a second opinion, mostly because Lithium scares me TO DEATH. I keep thinking Cobain, you know? She was also late, and she made me feel like a fraud.

I am too fucking sick to be thinking this hard about my own damn care.

That was my morning.

I just want to quit my life right now.

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Regards, TMR