So these two Poles walk into a bar ...
Yeah - you probably heard that one.
While I am at the beginning stages of my diagnosed illness - the label placed on people to define the disorder - I have been living with the effects of bipolar disorder for at least 30 years. I analyze every action now - trying to make sense of it in this new context.
"Am I really happy, or is this the beginning of a manic episode?"
"Is this shaking from my coffee, or a side effect of medications? Perhaps another anxiety attack?"
"Am I really this excited to do all of this work - super fast - lots of rapid discussion - racing thoughts YAY!! - or is this mania?"
This is an old problem that moved on up like George and Weezie to a well-lit, hyper-focused, deee-luxe apartment in the sky-eye-eye.
Today was a manic day. My mind was incredibly clear - super focused. Everything made more than perfect sense - it was so easy to be smarter than everyone else in the room. I hit every note, did incredible amounts of work, had extremely upbeat discussions with clients in person and on the telephone. I had spot-on conversations with colleagues. I laughed - too much. Smiled all the time. Wide-eyed fun house shit. I was on fire. I could listen to multiple things at a time and my brain processed them all with incredible clarity. I drove home listening to DOPE and rocked that shit out.
Then it all fell apart. I could feel it slipping; slowly at first (like a melting ice cream cone) and then all at once I knew - it was coming down. I was going down.
It's a scary thing - the falling. You never know how low you're going to go. Will this just be a bit of sadness, or will you retreat to your bedroom, hit yourself in the head...dig at your skin....wish for the sweet release of death.
I am still in the pre-med phase, so my only meds are my anti-depressant and valium. I reached for both and things are holding steady right now at a calm detachment. This is a good fall. I'll live through this one.
My psychiatrist prescribed lithium and risperidone. I rarely sleep and stay awake for days at a time. Sleep is important while we are waiting for the baseline test results before lithium therapy can begin, but I am not willing to take the risperidone. It is not for me -- too many side effects. I will continue to deal with my lack of sleep because I am not taking that drug.
I have therapy/psych appointments every week and plan on discussing the protocol prior to beginning any drug therapy.