Thursday, April 26, 2012

Stop me if you've heard this one ...

So these two Poles walk into a bar ...

Yeah - you probably heard that one. 

While I am at the beginning stages of my diagnosed illness - the label placed on people to define the disorder - I have been living with the effects of bipolar disorder for at least 30 years.  I analyze every action now - trying to make sense of it in this new context. 

"Am I really happy, or is this the beginning of a manic episode?" 

"Is this shaking from my coffee, or a side effect of medications?  Perhaps another anxiety attack?"

"Am I really this excited to do all of this work - super fast - lots of rapid discussion - racing thoughts YAY!! - or is this mania?"

This is an old problem that moved on up like George and Weezie to a well-lit, hyper-focused, deee-luxe apartment in the sky-eye-eye.   

Today was a manic day.  My mind was incredibly clear - super focused.  Everything made more than perfect sense - it was so easy to be smarter than everyone else in the room.  I hit every note, did incredible amounts of work, had extremely upbeat discussions with clients in person and on the telephone.  I had spot-on conversations with colleagues.  I laughed - too much.  Smiled all the time.  Wide-eyed fun house shit.  I was on fire.  I could listen to multiple things at a time and my brain processed them all with incredible clarity.  I drove home listening to DOPE and rocked that shit out. 

Then it all fell apart.  I could feel it slipping; slowly at first (like a melting ice cream cone) and then all at once I knew - it was coming down.  I was going down.


It's a scary thing - the falling.  You never know how low you're going to go.  Will this just be a bit of sadness, or will you retreat to your bedroom, hit yourself in the head...dig at your skin....wish for the sweet release of death. 

I am still in the pre-med phase, so my only meds are my anti-depressant and valium.  I reached for both and things are holding steady right now at a calm detachment.  This is a good fall.  I'll live through this one. 

My psychiatrist prescribed lithium and risperidone.  I rarely sleep and stay awake for days at a time.  Sleep is important while we are waiting for the baseline test results before lithium therapy can begin, but I am not willing to take the risperidone.  It is not for me -- too many side effects.  I will continue to deal with my lack of sleep because I am not taking that drug.

I have therapy/psych appointments every week and plan on discussing the protocol prior to beginning any drug therapy. 



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Regards, TMR