Today was a bad day. My brain fails me all the time now. I don't have much to say. I do not want to speak. My mind is so mish-mashed. I scribbled pages and pages of thoughts and observations today, but none of them really matter. They all lead to the same place: my brain fails me all the time now.
My next appointment is on Thursday. I am very low this evening. Very low. I googled how to kill myself without pain. This (killing yourself without pain) does not exist; HOWEVER, there are lots of fucking assholes who enjoy making fun of people like me who are looking for an answer to this question, so I suppose I should thank them - the fucking pricks - they saved my life by PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF.
I would be happy not to wake in the morning. Switch off - done - peace. Please know that I am using every bit of strength I have in my mind and body to stay with you all (my audience of zero) at this moment. There are people I want to meet. There are things I want to do. There are places I want to see. Those are the only things keeping me here now. I am trying for all of those things. I am trying. This is the hardest thing I have ever done -- stay alive. It would be much easier to end trans. It would.
I filled my risperidone prescription. $1.06 - what a bargain. The pharmacist looked at me with that face - the pity face. Fuck you, bitch. I am trying. "This will make you gain considerable weight - I want you to be aware of that."
"Really? That's awesome, because I'm not fat at all right now," (showed the straining waistband on my slacks) - just give me my damn pills." She pissed me off with the pity face. I'm sorry. That's all I can do is say I'm sorry.
I'm taking the pill as directed. I have to. I have to trust that someone knows more than I do right now. I am unable to trust myself. I can't even remember what day it is without checking every few minutes.
If I believed in God I would pray. I'm shit out of luck there.