Monday, April 30, 2012

Under the rock at the bottom of bottom.

Today was a bad day.  My brain fails me all the time now.  I don't have much to say.  I do not want to speak.  My mind is so mish-mashed.  I scribbled pages and pages of thoughts and observations today, but none of them really matter.  They all lead to the same place:  my brain fails me all the time now. 

My next appointment is on Thursday.  I am very low this evening.  Very low.  I googled how to kill myself without pain.  This (killing yourself without pain) does not exist; HOWEVER, there are lots of fucking assholes who enjoy making fun of people like me who are looking for an answer to this question, so I suppose I should thank them - the fucking pricks - they saved my life by PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF. 

I would be happy not to wake in the morning.  Switch off - done - peace.  Please know that I am using every bit of strength I have in my mind and body to stay with you all (my audience of zero) at this moment.  There are people I want to meet.  There are things I want to do.  There are places I want to see.  Those are the only things keeping me here now.  I am trying for all of those things.   I am trying.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done -- stay alive.  It would be much easier to end trans.  It would. 

I filled my risperidone prescription.  $1.06 - what a bargain.  The pharmacist looked at me with that face - the pity face.  Fuck you, bitch.  I am trying.  "This will make you gain considerable weight - I want you to be aware of that." 

"Really?  That's awesome, because  I'm not fat at all right now," (showed the straining waistband on my slacks)  - just give me my damn pills."  She pissed me off with the pity face.  I'm sorry.  That's all I can do is say I'm sorry. 

I'm taking the pill as directed.  I have to.  I have to trust that someone knows more than I do right now.  I am unable to trust myself.  I can't even remember what day it is without checking every few minutes.

If I believed in God I would pray.  I'm shit out of luck there. 

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Regards, TMR