I am so fucking angry. Agitated. Irritated. I want everyone to shut the fuck up. I want everyone to go the fuck away. I am so ugly. I want to beat the ever-loving shit out of myself. I HATE.
I hate everything. I am not helpful. Or kind. Or patient. I serve no purpose.
This process takes too long. Help is so slow. I do my best to smile through it all, but I am up, down, sideways, upside down; there are no words to describe how I feel. I swing back and forth in such a violent way that I hurt. I fucking HURT.
It's like a death shake. I'm in the jaws, bloody and screaming, flinging back and forth.
People want me to make decisions and I CAN'T! I CAN'T! DON'T FUCKING ASK ME TO MAKE UP MY MIND! MY MIND IS NOT HERE!
I would cry but I have forgotten how to cry.
Is this what it feels like when a mind winds down? I am fighting to hold tight to who I think I am ... but it's all slipping away.
What if I disappear? Will anyone notice?
I would notice. It would make me very sad.
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